Last Friday night, I tested the limit of my (fading) youth and binged watch Stranger Things Season 2 with my sister-in-law. We started around 10pm. My limit was reached around 1:30am. To assist with this feat of folly, prior to starting, I trekked to the nearby Pappy’s Market — which is awesome, and I plan to write a review of here soon — to buy caffeine and snacks.
I’ve never met a register that wasn’t plastered with Slim Jims. Pappy’s was no exception. And Pappy’s selection was quite exceptional. They offered ten different varietals. I counted. I mulled over the varietals as I contemplated if I’d actually had a Slim Jim before. Seems like I should’ve. Seems like, since it’s the most ubiquitous snack food known to mankind, that the Gods of Industry would’ve coerced me into buying one at some point in my life. But I couldn’t remember. So I figured I’d start from the beginning: Original.
I waited until we were a couple episodes deep into Stranger Things before I indulged. I was pretty hopped up on Mountain Dew and Sour Patch Kids at that point, so I needed something to bring me down. And Slim Jims did not disappoint.
Slim Jims don’t snap. That was my first impression. Instead, they bend and then, sort of, tear. It initially made me question if the slogan was a branding misnomer — I mean, at least with Rice Krispies you do get a little Snap, Crackle, and Pop — but then I realized that it’s not what the ConAgra crew is getting at. They don’t want you to get a snap from a Slim Jim. They want you to snap into a Slim Jim. What into exactly, however, I’m not sure. For me, on that night, it was a simultaneous state of regret and early onset diarrhea. My second impression was that Slim Jims have the consistency of hair. With every bite, I felt the fibers pull through my teeth. I didn’t even need to floss that night. My third and final impression was that there wasn’t just beef in there. I flipped over the wrapper. And I was right! Mechanically Separated Chicken is the second ingredient. A beef/chicken meat stick. A first for me.
I ended up donating the second half of the Slim Jim to my sister-in-law. I had to save room for Sour Patch Kids and Mountain Dew. I needed my buzz back.